I WAS A CO-CONCLER, DAMNIT! P3

Wow, I think I might just change the STB to I was a co-concler, damnit. Three posts with the same title makes a new record. Anyway. I still am suppressing feelings of love and hate, I mean, my god, how can I do this to myself? Theres someone...who's a firefighter, and I'm a wildfire. I'll burn until the fuel is gone, and he's trying to put me out, but he knows when he does he'll freeze, but doesn't realize it. I need to stop. Tell people how I feel.

So my mom has really considered, when shes out of jail, moving to one of four states. California or Arizona look like I might be blogging from later! I hope its CA, I have some friends there. Eh. Anyway, Hope y'all have a GREAT halloween!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfV19Yrl9nk

A dream is worth what?

Oh my god. I had the weirdest dream last night.

There I was, running from a mysterious figure. I caught a good glimps of him once, his blue eyes were like bullets and shot threw me. I I ran down a small ally. I was afraid of him. Suddenly, and surprisingly, the sidewalk under my feel slowly fell out from under me. I was there, floating. I looked around as I heard a voice say my faults, and my fears. I looked around. Nothing. No one. Just a voice echoing out from the space around me.

Thats how it happened. There was one thing that the voice said that scared me, somewhat, I can't tell ya, because its a problem I'm in currently. Put it this way, I'm scared. I've had strange dreams all week, and I kinda don't want to sleep.

Do what is needed...

Normally thats my motto. Anyone who knows me well enough will tell you that if you mess with my kin (family or friends) you're in for one hell of a fight. I don't care who you are, if you mess with my mate, my friends, or my family, you better be able to afford new teeth. That might be outta line, but really, is it? I mean, you touch one hair on the head of my mate, well, you best be ready. You harm one of my future kids, god help you. You hurt my friends or family, I will not hold back. I've had to do things like this before, to. March into the assistant Principal at school because my little sister got in trouble for something she DID NOT do, I fixed it and she was off the hook. But if you mess with my kin, you best be ready to fight.

But when does that go to far? When you're sitting on your lazy ass, laughing at some TV show, when your own father is in the hospital dieing? HOW DO YOU DO THAT!?!? I DESPISE PEOPLE LIKE THAT! Well, thats all for me.

I WAS A CO-CONCLER, DAMNIT! P2

A follow up of I WAS A CO-CONCLER, DAMNIT!
---------------------
Fall in love in three days
Let your mate find out
He still loves you
Get sad
Talk to your love
Talk to your mate
He says that he'll love you no matter what.
Notice that you might be being used.
Listen to your friends.
Love you're mate.
Love your love
But not the same as your mate.
Never do that.
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Sounds like a plot for a book. Maybe I'll write one...err...than again, it sounds like it'd take a long time, which I don't have. But thats not the point. I feel dumb. How could I love anyone like my mate? HOW!? I don't care if they are the nicest, sweetest, cutest person on earth, my mate should come first. Crushes are nothing. I shouldn't resort to them to hang my problems on. My mate always comes first. My friends and my sister come second. My crushes are nothing more than friends I might have grown to attached to. I dunno. Should I, shouldn't I. I will stand by my mate, than my sister, than my friends.

well, thats all from me tonight

--James

PS. Just disregard this.

Scared.

My life is in ruins. My god, my sister is always there and yelling. And people just gotta yell at me. I'm scared and they don't understand. I'm so scared now. I'm sitting here shaking and just gotta tell someone, even if no one reads this, it'll be good just to vomit my feelings up right now. I gotta tell you, theres so much turbulence in my heart right now, that I feel like a river, at some point there has to be a waterfall. We can only pray that our raft stays afloat. Theres no doubting that the raft will end up going under at one point or another, but as long as it bobs back up, we WILL be safe. I dunno what I'm going to do. There are friends there, holding out a hand (or paw), all wanting to help. But there are so few people I can trust today. Or any day. I can't trust my sister ever again, my family is there, lovingly tripping me trying to destroy all I hold dear, and yet all I can think of is what a friend told me some time ago...

James, It'll get better. Trust in yourself and your god.

Isn't that what we all should do? So much has happened, and so many have died. I dunno. I'll live, i know that much.

Life is so different from one person to another. Some people born into riches and a life of sex and drugs have a horrible life, others born into a life of farming, and growing up right have a great life, still others are born into that small town family, and there life is what they make of it. What they make of it. What an interesting five words. No one else chooses for you, and you don't live with the chooses of your fathers before you. Life is also unfair. How does God let a couple who would be wonderful parents not have children, and yet, lets the worst kind of people have far to many children? How does God let love become so diluted like milk in water. So diluted that this world cannot see what love is. Love is not a personality, Love is not a home, Love is a feeling that you have for other people, love dose not judge, love can be for anyone or anything. I love my family, even if there ideals are a little bit off the mark, I love my friends, and I love my future mate even more. I love people I don't even know. If there is suffering in this world, how can we as fellow humans let this go on? Do we not know our own suffering? Would it not have been help if someone offered a shoulder to lean on? Would it be so hard to give some of our time to help people, to make people happy. I say not. And yet, time is valuable. Shouldn't you spend it with the ones you love most. Indeed you should. Yet as humans it is our need to see people happy. It is also our need to have someone next to you, to hug and hold close. This world and this life are just the start of a grand journey where we find out mate, and when this life fades as it will, the only thing that will carry on in our hearts are love. And that love cannot fade, it will not fall apart. As this life is not the end, it is the start, the friends we make will always be friends, our mate will always be our mate. If one should die without friends or a mate, god bless him. He who endureth to the end shall be saved. I don't often quote bible versus, but I felt this one was needed...love will always endure. The love of two people is stronger than even the greatest steel beam, and it will last forever. From this life to the next life that God has prepared for us, a life time and more with your mate is all you can hope for, no?

Well, I feel better now.

I WAS A CO-CONCLER, DAMNIT!

DAMN IT! I've been belittling my damn emotions again! I'm so upset that my feet are freezing! DAMN IT! I was a co-concealer, and now I'm fucking my emotions!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm a young, 15 year old who should get off his fucking ass and get out the damn door and get doing something. My lord, I've changed in the past two months. More pervy (is that bad?), more...non-understanding. Three months ago I was confronted with a problem, and could think for a few moments, and come up with a solution that was full proof. But now, I can't even handle my own fucking problems. I could blame it on anything, school, hormones, family, friends, but its my own fault. I could go out on a limb and say that I want to kill myself for attention, but thats not me. I could stay too near the tree and not let anyone in. Or I could go out a few feet, sit, and let people help me down. I think I'll do what my heart tells me. Go where the wind blows me.

Wow, its been a while since I last posted here. I'd like to correct myself. On the last post from...a LONG time ago. I said Justin was 16, but he was 17, a kinda easy mistake to make when you're in a state of distress. Anyway!

Boy the summer has gone fast from when I posted my first post in June. Now its fall. And soon I'll be going back to where I started, to the Ol' Mill for a hike. Wow. Just thinking about everything thats happened the past five, almost six months blows my mind. In a half a year I've grown up a lot, gotten myself a mate, lost him for six hours, than got back together with him. I've been stabbed in the heart by myself, been fought with, lost a few friends, and got enough back. Wow. Its been a loooooooong five months.