A letter to my ex mate, Justin, who I've posted many times about before...

I looked up into the air today, and took in the clouds like you always wanted me to. Its been a while from when you last said I'll love you forever. I guess it was all for the best. I told myself that by this time I'd have moved on, but alas, I haven't. People say two males CANNOT love one another, even though I've poured my life out again. I'm sorry I hurt you hun. I really am. What was I thinking? If it weren't for me you'd still be around, breathing, living, smiling, and holding me. It seems like yesterday we were shopping, though I was suppose to be in school. Do you remember when we saw my teacher at the store, right after school let out, and I was kinda freaking out, but you handled it so greatly. I was a fool then to let go of something--someone as good as you...and I've done it again. When will I ever learn Justin?

Theres some more personal stuff that I'd rather not post.

Scared.

My life is in ruins. My god, my sister is always there and yelling. And people just gotta yell at me. I'm scared and they don't understand. I'm so scared now. I'm sitting here shaking and just gotta tell someone, even if no one reads this, it'll be good just to vomit my feelings up right now. I gotta tell you, theres so much turbulence in my heart right now, that I feel like a river, at some point there has to be a waterfall. We can only pray that our raft stays afloat. Theres no doubting that the raft will end up going under at one point or another, but as long as it bobs back up, we WILL be safe. I dunno what I'm going to do. There are friends there, holding out a hand (or paw), all wanting to help. But there are so few people I can trust today. Or any day. I can't trust my sister ever again, my family is there, lovingly tripping me trying to destroy all I hold dear, and yet all I can think of is what a friend told me some time ago...

James, It'll get better. Trust in yourself and your god.

Isn't that what we all should do? So much has happened, and so many have died. I dunno. I'll live, i know that much.

I WAS A CO-CONCLER, DAMNIT!

DAMN IT! I've been belittling my damn emotions again! I'm so upset that my feet are freezing! DAMN IT! I was a co-concealer, and now I'm fucking my emotions!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm a young, 15 year old who should get off his fucking ass and get out the damn door and get doing something. My lord, I've changed in the past two months. More pervy (is that bad?), more...non-understanding. Three months ago I was confronted with a problem, and could think for a few moments, and come up with a solution that was full proof. But now, I can't even handle my own fucking problems. I could blame it on anything, school, hormones, family, friends, but its my own fault. I could go out on a limb and say that I want to kill myself for attention, but thats not me. I could stay too near the tree and not let anyone in. Or I could go out a few feet, sit, and let people help me down. I think I'll do what my heart tells me. Go where the wind blows me.